Rom Malik

My style is warm, direct and curious. I’m not a “blank wall” therapist who simply sits back, nods and asks, “And how does that make you feel?” I’ll ask questions, make observations, offer feedback, help you connect the dots and, at times, challenge you. Therapy is collaborative: we’re trying to understand things together. There’s also room for humour when it feels right, and I may occasionally share something from my own experience when I believe it could genuinely help.

We begin with your story. During the first few sessions, we explore your life from your early years to the present—the relationships, experiences and pivotal events that may have helped shape who you are. I usually recommend 90-minute sessions for this initial history phase so we have enough time to explore your story without rushing. Many people find the process enlightening in itself: things they’ve felt or done for years can begin to make more sense.

But the history is about much more than understanding your past. It gives us a map for the work ahead. We may begin to see where anxiety, self-criticism, ways of coping, relationship patterns or other difficulties first took shape—and why something that once helped you cope may now be getting in your way.

Those earlier patterns don’t only live in our memories. They can show up in the present—in our relationships, in what we expect from other people, in how we interpret their behaviour and respond to them, and sometimes even in what happens between you and me in the therapy room. When an old relationship or expectation begins repeating itself in the present, we have an opportunity to notice it together, understand where it came from, and work through it differently.

This is where knowing your history becomes therapeutically useful. Rather than simply helping you manage the present-day expression of a problem, we can sometimes return to where an old pattern took shape and begin dismantling it at its roots—first by making it visible, then understanding why it developed and how it continues to operate, and finally working toward different ways of experiencing yourself and relating to others today.

Then we turn more fully to the here and now—the nitty-gritty of what brought you to therapy and what you want to change. Armed with a fuller understanding of how you got here, we work with the anxiety, depression, relationships, stress, self-criticism or other concerns affecting your life today. Insight isn’t the endpoint. Insight helps us find the roots; the deeper work is changing what grew from them.

Couples follow the same process—with an important difference: there are three stories to understand. We explore each partner’s history, with the other partner present, and then the history of the relationship itself: how you met, what drew you together, how the relationship developed, and what has brought you to couples therapy now.

Each partner inevitably brings parts of their earlier relationships—with parents, family and previous partners—into the relationship they have today. Hearing and understanding each other’s histories can itself create a different context for understanding one another. We can begin to recognize where recurring conflicts, sensitivities, expectations or ways of relating may have come from.

Rather than working only on the latest argument, we can work with some of the deeper patterns feeding it—dismantling old influences that no longer serve the relationship—while also developing better ways of communicating, resolving conflict and experiencing trust, closeness and intimacy today.

I’ve been a psychotherapist for more than 30 years, but the way I understand adults was shaped, perhaps unusually, by learning to understand people across the lifespan.

My Master’s degree focused on Adult Counselling, followed by extensive doctoral training in Child and Adolescent Development. Earlier in my career, I also trained and worked as a child and play therapist, working directly with children and their parents. That experience gave me something textbooks alone could not: the opportunity to observe firsthand how a child’s sense of self develops, how relationships with parents matter, and how anxiety, self-criticism, low self-esteem and different ways of coping can begin taking shape.

Today, I bring that developmental understanding into my work with adults. When someone is struggling at 25, 45 or 65, I’m interested in the person they are today—but also in the child, adolescent and younger adult they once were. Understanding those different chapters of a life can help us recognize where something became difficult or got stuck, and give us a better opportunity to work with it at its roots.

Relationships have also been a longstanding focus of my clinical work and academic research. My Master’s thesis explored the inherent tension in couple relationships between our need for intimacy and closeness and our need to continue growing and developing as individuals, drawing on developmental theories of separation and individuation. That early interest in how our individual development enters our adult relationships has continued throughout my career and remains central to the way I work with couples today.

My later doctoral research grew out of many years of clinical work with police officers and their spouses and examined what differentiated police couples who were satisfied in their relationships from those who were struggling. That experience deepened my understanding of how stress, work, family history and individual differences can enter a marriage and affect the relationship between two people.

My South Asian background brings another dimension to my work. I understand many of these experiences not simply from professional training, but from having lived within the culture myself and having thought about its psychology throughout my life. Family can be an extraordinary source of belonging, loyalty and support, while also bringing powerful expectations around achievement, marriage, responsibility, reputation and the obligations we have to one another.

For people growing up between cultures, or for immigrant families adapting to life in Canada, these questions can become particularly complicated. How much of my life belongs to me? How much do I owe my family? How do I pursue my own relationships, career or way of living without feeling that I am disappointing the people I love? How do parents and adult children remain close while allowing each other to grow?

I understand the tensions that can arise between family loyalty and individual growth, tradition and change, belonging and independence. Therapy doesn’t require rejecting your culture or choosing one world over another. We can understand the values and relationships that matter to you while also examining expectations, guilt, conflict or old family patterns that may be making it difficult to become the person you want to be.

After more than three decades, I remain deeply interested in how people become who they are—and especially in those moments in therapy when something from the past unexpectedly comes alive in the present. An old fear, expectation or way of relating may appear in a current relationship, or sometimes even between you and me in the therapy room. Therapists call this transference, but the idea is quite simple: we can sometimes respond to someone in the present as though they were someone important from our past.

Those moments can give us much more than an interesting insight. They give us an opportunity to recognize an old pattern while it is actually happening, understand where it came from, separate what belonged to the past from what is true today, and begin dismantling the hold it still has on your life.

Some of the most rewarding moments in my work come when a client begins to experience the freedom that can follow—seeing themselves, other people and the world more clearly, rather than through expectations formed long ago. They may no longer automatically expect disapproval, criticism, rejection or punishment simply for expressing a need, disagreeing or standing up for themselves. Old ways of protecting themselves become less necessary. There is more freedom to respond differently, to trust their own experience and, ultimately, to be more fully and authentically themselves.

Reaching out to a therapist can feel like a big step, so I try to make the process simple.

I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can tell me a little about what has brought you to therapy and what you’re hoping for, and I can tell you more about how I work and how I might be able to help. It’s also an opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of whether we might be a good fit.

If we decide to book a first session, there’s no commitment to continue. At the end of that session, I’ll ask how the experience was for you and whether you feel comfortable and confident moving forward. Fit goes both ways, and if it doesn’t feel right, that’s perfectly okay.

I offer virtual therapy by Zoom throughout the week, with some weekend availability, as well as in-person therapy in Toronto at Danforth & Broadview and in Richmond Hill.

You’re welcome to contact me by phone at 416-385-7777 (leave a message if needed) or by email at rom.malik@rogers.com.

If something you’ve read here resonates with you, feel free to reach out. We can start with a conversation and take it from there.